The Pokeberry Quilt

The Pokeberry Quilt

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sharing

Jim was going to receive a lot of company Sunday so I didn't rest, we made him comfortable and seemed at peace, I put the Comfort quilt my yahoo group had made for him, it was warm and I could almost repeat to everyone what each block meant.

Iva spent the morning with him, talking to him about the big horns, one has a broken leg, Jim would raise an eyebrow, but too weak to speak. He journey was taking it's toll. His caregiver told me later he didn't want to leave, felt the struggle was over, his respirations had changed, much faster, but continued to look out the window at mountains he use to climb. He stayed longer while a friend came by, we had reconnected thru hospice, hadn't seen her in six years, we had a wonderful visit and knew Jim when he was well. Everyone left and I and Jim had some private moments, waiting for his sister to arrive, I read to him about his journey, that he will never be forgotten, that his body will be strong again, his pain will end. I would take care of Sidney and Bailey and Diane was coming to help me.

My friend called from the airport, they would be an hour late, please no. I continued to read and talk to Jim about How many people he has touched without him even knowing it, and he
didn't realize it, but he had fulfilled a dream, and his struggle was one of courage, when he thought of himself as being weak.

It was 7 last night and his respirations changed, slowing, God no, until at 7:10 he took his
last breath, a chapter of his life ending so peacefully, yet I was screaming and crying no, Diane is coming, I was still screaming when they opened the door five minutes later.

The next hours were unbearable, but we find our strength, he was not to leave in the dark of the night, I would keep him here until the morning, he love candles, had none with the oxygen so a hospice volunteer brought some over. Diane slept in Jim's room and I slept on the couch next to him with only the light of the candles to bath him in light.

The next morning is surreal, seeing him lying so still, his caregiver returns, the hospice nurse and the funeral director arrive. Diane and I followed them out the door as Jim left for the last time. Do you hear doves I said in a low voice, we don't have them this time of year, we all stopped to listen to this spiritual goodby, a chorus of mourning doves, they continued as Jim was placed in the hearse, and the sound and the birds followed them down the drive until there was only the sound of our crying.n

Regrets are many, but I will and have had the time to find and receive that forgiveness, his love for me at the end, reaffirmed that as my love for him did for him.
I'm okay at this moment, and for now, that is where I'm at.

I thank you all for being there for me thru this journey.

35 comments:

  1. So sorry for your loss.

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  2. Such special thoughts are winging there way to you today. Your courage fills me with awe. You are an amazing woman.
    You pop into my head many times during the day and I wonder how you are.
    Godspeed to Jim and blessings to you.
    Hugs, Angela.

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  3. Dear Nancy, goodbye and God bless to your brave Jim. The tears I shed are for you, not him, take care of you as you will need your strength in the days ahead....
    xxx

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  4. Je vous présente mes sincères condoléances. Vos avez raison, Jim est bien à présent.
    Les semaines à venir vont être difficiles, gardez courage, puisez votre force dans ce grand amour que vous avez eu la chance de connaitre avec Jim. Prenez soin de vous.

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  5. You are in my prayers. I pray you will have peace knowing you did all you could for Jim. Know that you are surrounded with the love and care of your family and friends.

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  6. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. We may never meet but I will always think of you as one of the strongest women I know. Everyone has a story, Nancy, and I love that you tell yours honestly and from the heart. Peace and love and light to you in the days ahead ~ the beginning of a new journey.
    In friendship,
    Alice

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  7. As I shed tears of heartache and sadness for you, during this time of loss, I marvel at your continued strength and the final tribute the mourning doves paid to Jim on his last trip out of the home you two have shared. If your experience is anything like my own, Jim will continue to be at your side, and share your feelings and experiences at your shoulder. The love you two shared is a bond that can't be broken just because one's spirit has crossed over.
    hugs to you, dear Nancy
    Please continue to take care of yourself, as Jim would want you to thrive and enjoy each day.
    love,
    Carol

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  8. May the ease of his final journey be some slight solace for you, Nancy. My heart breaks for you...has been breaking for both of you over the couple of years that I've 'known' you through your blog. Thank you for sharing this with us, and may you be blessed with peace and light for your tomorrows. Sending warmest of quilted hugs to wrap you in,
    Angie

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  9. My heart is full of sadness for you as I read the post. I am so sorry she did not make it in time..I continue to pray for the next journey in your life.. Peace.
    Maggey

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  10. Nancy, you have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dear Jim...as you each begin your new journey know that prayers and wishes are with you both...

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  11. Thinking of you and the loss of Jim. Comfort and peace to you. Susan in Oregon

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  12. a love story....
    may you also find peace in the mountains and animals that you both loved so much...
    my thoughts are with you....

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  13. Peace be with you now as you move forward. You are a very strong women and Jim's love will carry you thru. My heart aches for you...terry

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  14. I´m very sorry for your loss Nancy, I´ve been reading your blog for two years but never comment for my bad english, but today, I needed to do it, and may be you needed too.
    Noww ,doný forget to take care of yourself...
    xxx

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  15. My heart goes out to you and all of Jim's family and friends.

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  16. My thoughts are with you Nancy! Also condoleances from my DH to you. I showed him always your pictures you took of the wildlife. We are so sorry for your loss. Sending all strength you need. I'm happy for Jim that he passed away in his home in company of his loving wife and in the beautiful place, the mountains in Montana!
    Hugs, Lucy

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  17. So very, very sorry for Jim's passing. I keep churning phrases around in my head to try to offer you some words of comfort but having lost four very close relatives and friends myself last year, I know that no perfect words exists and only time and effort will help fill the void and begin to heal your heart. Take your time. Be as good to yourself as you were to Jim during the last few years. Forget the guilt or regreats and focus on the joys that the two of you shared and with that I hope you are able to find peace.
    You are in my prayers,
    Diana

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  18. Sorry for all you've had to go through, but Jim was fortunate to have someone who loves him so much and was strong enough to deal with everything that happened.
    My Dad died in November, on Black Friday actually, but my mom is really at peace because she still feels him near her. I hope you have that same peace.

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  19. Nancy I send you love and empathy in your time of loss - take comfort from being afforded the chance to say your goodbyes directly to him - when I lost my previous partner I was given an anthology book of poetry and prose about bereavement - one quotation struck me and I send it to you in the hope it will give you similar comfort to me - "I will not insult you by trying to tell you that one day you will forget. I know as well as you that you will not. But, at least, in time you will not remember as fiercely as you do now - and I pray that that time may be soon. Much love, Anne x

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  20. I`m so sorry for the loss of Jim.I can tell you feel a peace now.I will still say a prayer for you,thank you for sharing your journey,many of us have went with this part of your life with you & have taken something from your strength,God bless you,phyllis

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  21. My thoughts are with you and your family at this very sad and difficult time. ((hugs))

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  22. So sorry,so sorry,you are remarkable person to have loved so much,remember the good times!

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  23. May the lasting memories of better times with your Jim, help you now & in the days ahead.

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  24. Dear Nancy
    My thoughts are with you and your family. Take good care of yourself and God Bless.
    Sue

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  25. Dear Nancy
    My thoughts are with you and your family. Take good care of yourself.
    Love Sue

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  26. Thank you, Nancy, for sharing about the animals watching, and the doves singing as Jim left your home for the last time. I pray that this will continue to give you comfort and peace that Jim is no longer in pain and experiencing simple joy in his new life in heaven. I cried as I read what you wrote. Truly a love story.

    Blessings,
    Kathy

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  27. Prayers and peace in this difficult time for you.....
    christine

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  28. So sorry for your loss. I have been following your blog. What a beautiful love story. May God be with you and your family and friends.
    Hugs, Rebecka

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  29. SC Sally6:46 AM

    I pray you peace.

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  30. HOlding you up in prayer, and I always see doves and think of angels...I saw a white one at the hospital today...

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  31. Here is the chorus of a beautiful song "No More Night."

    No more night. No more pain.
    No more tears. Never crying
    again. And praises to the great "I
    AM." We will live in the light of
    the risen Lamb.

    Thinking of you and the life you and Jim shared - the good and the bad.

    A warm hug to you -- Linda, Iowa

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  32. Dearest Nancy,
    Thank you so for sharing, what are and were your most intimate moments with your dear Jim.
    I pray that you will find peace in knowing he is no longer in pain. Please take care of yourself, as you have had injuries your own.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
    Love, nora

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  33. Nancy, I haven't been on your blog, or in your quilting group for very long, but long enough to feel heartache for you, and the loss of your husband. I'm so very sorry for all you both have had to endure. The comment before mine from Linda in Iowa.... What a beautiful song. We sang in in Church last year, and it brought tears to my eyes to remember it again from her comment. I hope you get a chance to hear it sometime, or maybe you already know it.
    You and your family are in my prayers.
    Jeni

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  34. Nancy, please accept my deepest condolences! My thoughts are with you and your family!

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  35. Dear Nancy, i'm so sorry to hear of Jims passing! May God give you comfort and peace in your sorrow

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