Sounds like another country western song, sitting here next to Jim, listening to the struggle of his breaths, and yet in the background of the living room, I see what he has accomplished physically before he got sick and all his music that he can't hear now, after his caregiver has left, then I have my private moments.
His caregiver and I are in a routine now with his injections, meds and suctioning Jim, this is better now for Jim since the Hospice nurse came and made some changes. Jim is not struggling to deal with so much fluid in his lungs, and only a few times of clearing his airway today, Friday was every few minutes and I know how afraid he must have been. So to have him laying in peace with one of my quilts over him, gives me some peace but the sadness that I know other people have had to endure is for me all consuming.
Iva, our older neighbor who gave Jim his birthday party flew in from out of state to be here. She will come over tomorrow and then his sister arrives. Funny, I keep thinking if I'm going to have time to clean the bathtub. I did tell Iva that I finally got handrails on the deck, some kind man came by, sent by Iva's son and said I have the day off and heard you needed some help. He took no money, said it was his pleasure. I had so wanted to see Jim walk up those steps from the rehab center. It is not our fate. I railed at God last night, like we are the only ones suffering. So much is unknown, and so many people don't understand why I have to do this. But it is, as much for him as it is for me.