The Pokeberry Quilt

The Pokeberry Quilt

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I only cry at night

Sounds like another country western song, sitting here next to Jim, listening to the struggle of his breaths, and yet in the background of the living room, I see what he has accomplished physically before he got sick and all his music that he can't hear now, after his caregiver has left, then I have my private moments.

His caregiver and I are in a routine now with his injections, meds and suctioning Jim, this is better now for Jim since the Hospice nurse came and made some changes. Jim is not struggling to deal with so much fluid in his lungs, and only a few times of clearing his airway today, Friday was every few minutes and I know how afraid he must have been. So to have him laying in peace with one of my quilts over him, gives me some peace but the sadness that I know other people have had to endure is for me all consuming.

Iva, our older neighbor who gave Jim his birthday party flew in from out of state to be here. She will come over tomorrow and then his sister arrives. Funny, I keep thinking if I'm going to have time to clean the bathtub. I did tell Iva that I finally got handrails on the deck, some kind man came by, sent by Iva's son and said I have the day off and heard you needed some help. He took no money, said it was his pleasure. I had so wanted to see Jim walk up those steps from the rehab center. It is not our fate. I railed at God last night, like we are the only ones suffering. So much is unknown, and so many people don't understand why I have to do this. But it is, as much for him as it is for me.

14 comments:

  1. I am glad you have someone who can be there and I hope Jim's sister can help too and be a support for you both, while you go through this trying time.

    I know being home is the best thing for Jim, the place he loves the most.

    Debbie

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  2. My heart breaks for you. My God give you the strength you need. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Hugs, Marie

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  3. Anonymous11:48 PM

    My thoughts are with you and Jim every day.

    Imi

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  4. The night can be a lonely place. I hope you are keeping well to stay strong for Jim. You seem to have some good support but heres lots of hugs to keep you going.
    Angela.

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  5. I am so glad Jim's sister will be there soon. So many wish they could be there to help you through this journey. Our thoughts are close by.

    JoAnn

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  6. Love and many prayers coming to you and Jim. I am happy you won't be alone in this faze of your life and think Jim's sister will give you comfort. I hold you in my heart....Terry

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  7. I understand why you do this, it is called love. My continued prayers for you both. I pray Jim's, sister will be a comfort and help to you. I am also sending up prayers of thanks for all the neighbors who are a help to you at this difficult time. How are you feeling Nancy, physically? I know you are focused on Jim's care but try to rest more when Jim's sister is there. You've been on such a rough journey yourself.

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  8. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers. I'm also thankful that there are people who are coming to help you during this most difficult time.

    Much love and many blessings,
    Kathy

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  9. we do understand and want to believe we would all do the same as you have done should the time come....it's called undying, unselfish, all giving love for another....you are showing us we all will/can be strong when needed to be....thank you cheri
    can't think of a more perfect use of a quilt than to cover the one you love with love....

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  10. What a blessing for Iva to return to Montana so that she can be there for you and Jim. Sending prayers for Jim's sister to have a safe trip and have the opportunity for some good time with you both.
    hugs from No. California,
    Carol

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  11. I feel for you, and pray God the Father will strengthen you both and my thoughts and prayers are with you also.

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  12. Just know that we are with you in prayer.. God bless and keep you in His care..
    Maggey

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  13. I came across your blog last week. Ever since you, Jim, and the caregivers have been in my thoughts and prayers so very often in the day, and also at night when I wake. It is a difficult and lovely thing you are doing. what a handsome picture of him you have on the blog...Blessings♥

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