Some good news

I saw my ortho doctor today, after a long trip to Bozeman, a little snow, but otherwise uneventful except for a few tears when I had to talk about Jim and the accident. My pelvis is healing on it's own, so I won't need surgery if I continue to progress as I have done despite everything. So another month on crutches, can start to bear weight, but am not to return to work until the doctor sees me at the end of April, so no decisions for now. I will let my mind and body rest and just be for the moment.

A NEW PATH

The beginning of a new path, to be decided I think on April 1st, seems only right since Jim and I left Texas on April 1st, 16 years ago. Will talk to you then.

Thank you all so much for being there for me, the cards, the gifts, I'm so appreciative and will forever remember your kindness and words.

Comfort Quilt

Here is a picture of the Comfort Quilt that I had over Jim that my Yahoo quilting group made for us after his last accident.

His sister, Diane is still here and we put it on the wall over his bed yesterday. All the things he loved.

Another Chapter

Jim's obituary is online at
www.remingtonletcherfuneralservices.com

Diane is still here and we are remembering all the good times.

Sharing

Jim was going to receive a lot of company Sunday so I didn't rest, we made him comfortable and seemed at peace, I put the Comfort quilt my yahoo group had made for him, it was warm and I could almost repeat to everyone what each block meant.

Iva spent the morning with him, talking to him about the big horns, one has a broken leg, Jim would raise an eyebrow, but too weak to speak. He journey was taking it's toll. His caregiver told me later he didn't want to leave, felt the struggle was over, his respirations had changed, much faster, but continued to look out the window at mountains he use to climb. He stayed longer while a friend came by, we had reconnected thru hospice, hadn't seen her in six years, we had a wonderful visit and knew Jim when he was well. Everyone left and I and Jim had some private moments, waiting for his sister to arrive, I read to him about his journey, that he will never be forgotten, that his body will be strong again, his pain will end. I would take care of Sidney and Bailey and Diane was coming to help me.

My friend called from the airport, they would be an hour late, please no. I continued to read and talk to Jim about How many people he has touched without him even knowing it, and he
didn't realize it, but he had fulfilled a dream, and his struggle was one of courage, when he thought of himself as being weak.

It was 7 last night and his respirations changed, slowing, God no, until at 7:10 he took his
last breath, a chapter of his life ending so peacefully, yet I was screaming and crying no, Diane is coming, I was still screaming when they opened the door five minutes later.

The next hours were unbearable, but we find our strength, he was not to leave in the dark of the night, I would keep him here until the morning, he love candles, had none with the oxygen so a hospice volunteer brought some over. Diane slept in Jim's room and I slept on the couch next to him with only the light of the candles to bath him in light.

The next morning is surreal, seeing him lying so still, his caregiver returns, the hospice nurse and the funeral director arrive. Diane and I followed them out the door as Jim left for the last time. Do you hear doves I said in a low voice, we don't have them this time of year, we all stopped to listen to this spiritual goodby, a chorus of mourning doves, they continued as Jim was placed in the hearse, and the sound and the birds followed them down the drive until there was only the sound of our crying.n

Regrets are many, but I will and have had the time to find and receive that forgiveness, his love for me at the end, reaffirmed that as my love for him did for him.
I'm okay at this moment, and for now, that is where I'm at.

I thank you all for being there for me thru this journey.

12-27-1952 to 3-20-2011

Jim passed away last night, five minutes before his sister arrived, a peaceful passing. I will tell you more of this emotional, spiritual passing when I can.

I only cry at night

Sounds like another country western song, sitting here next to Jim, listening to the struggle of his breaths, and yet in the background of the living room, I see what he has accomplished physically before he got sick and all his music that he can't hear now, after his caregiver has left, then I have my private moments.

His caregiver and I are in a routine now with his injections, meds and suctioning Jim, this is better now for Jim since the Hospice nurse came and made some changes. Jim is not struggling to deal with so much fluid in his lungs, and only a few times of clearing his airway today, Friday was every few minutes and I know how afraid he must have been. So to have him laying in peace with one of my quilts over him, gives me some peace but the sadness that I know other people have had to endure is for me all consuming.

Iva, our older neighbor who gave Jim his birthday party flew in from out of state to be here. She will come over tomorrow and then his sister arrives. Funny, I keep thinking if I'm going to have time to clean the bathtub. I did tell Iva that I finally got handrails on the deck, some kind man came by, sent by Iva's son and said I have the day off and heard you needed some help. He took no money, said it was his pleasure. I had so wanted to see Jim walk up those steps from the rehab center. It is not our fate. I railed at God last night, like we are the only ones suffering. So much is unknown, and so many people don't understand why I have to do this. But it is, as much for him as it is for me.

Day 2 of Hospice

The hospice crew followed me home yesterday from the hospital to set up all the equipment, hospital bed, etc in the livingroom, we drove in a snow storm. I wouldn't let myself panic since it was the first time since the wreck. The nurse from Hospice were coming an hour later with Jim being transported by ambulance. The male caregiver who has been helping me arrived soon after, he does have angel wings.

So he takes care of Jim while I rest during the day and then I do the nights, trying to keep Jim pain free. He's back to eating and drinking very little. And only a few moments of being lucid. But he can lay in the bed and hopefully come to realize he is home and time to let go. Another journey is waiting for him.

His older sister has come to realize how grave the situation is and I want her here with me. I have told her that this is something she needs to do. So friends will pick her up Sunday if Jim can wait for her.

I continue to read about the tragedy in Japan, so much suffering.

Coming Home

I would tell you about the 90's and how we came to move here and becoming a nurse, but Jim is coming home tomorrow on Hospice. I need to get the house ready for him.

THE 80's

The 80's were time of working for Jim as he gained promotions in his job as I seemed to go from from job to job, finlly landed a job with the postal service so I could transfer to a job in the Colorado, Durango, a place we had visited and liked. Off I went with one cat and few belongings while Jim stayed in Texas to sell the house. I hated it, know why there is the term going postal. Back home in a short time to look for another area.

We became bird watchers, enjoyed the beach, bought a canoe to enjoy the waters and bayous around where we lived. Took a class on canoeing, by the middle of the day, we had yelled at each other over who was in charge that the instructor finally separated us and asked us not to come back. So we taught ourselves, camping in hot Texas, canoeing with the alligators, such fun.

So a big trip for a month to Montana, Canada, Washington, to find that special place. We seem to get in lots of trouble in our outings, someone forgot the spare tire in his excitement of the trip, of course we were in the backwoods of Canada when we had the first flat, strangers to the rescue. Arrested crossing the border from Canada getting back to the US because I told him he didn't have to stop in the line. Don't think I've ever been patted down before. We loved Montana and later took a winter trip to Yellowstone and found our place. Back home, I decided I wanted to return to the medical field, would be able to work anywhere and went back to school for a year while we searched for a house in Montana.

Today I thought of these thing on the drive into town to the hospital. Jim was very lucid whenever he woke up and when he did, it was like the first time he had seen me, he made me feel overwhelmed with love and sadness, and when I would remind him of these past events in our life, would laugh that I remembered all these details, like living them all over again.

He work up once and surprised me by saying how happy he was, "why", because I'm not in pain and feel at peace. And I can't tell you how much I love you. My heart aches that I let these moments escape me thes past years with the wrecks and the sickness and the stress and working. We shared our sorry of the past years, but that we were being given this unbelievable time together to find those moments we had lost as painful as this all is. I could hardly leave him today, crying all the way home. I feel sad for Jim and his family that they have chosen not to come here. I told his doctor this when he asked if I needed any help, my friends help me, strangers help me, he said for Jim's family not coming, some people can't get that close to confronting this kind of pain. I still don't understand.

Chapter 1, meeting Jim

Our early years make me smile now, how crazy the 70's were, I met Jim in the late 70's back in Texas when everyone seemed to be moving to Texas for the big oil boom. Jim had left Florida seeking that boom and leaving behind a chapter of his life that he doesn't like to talk about. I was working as a floral designer after quitting being an X-ray tech and an ex-husband of only a few years. The hippie thing was still going on for me I think, anyway, my friends and I would go to of all places, a place called the Red Barn, western and old rock music, such fun times when we were young and fearless.

Across the stage, there he sat alone sticking out like a sour thumb at the bar, shy, so handsome, smoking with a drink in one hand, Florida shirt. Funny I can't remember how many times going there before he came over to sit with us. We started dating off and on, so remember being on the Galveston beach and telling him this relationship wasn't going anywhere if he didn't start talking more. It was remarkable he was shy with his looks and personality, sweet, funny, but he had some demons to cast out yet from Florida. He had a scholarship to the University of Miami, would easily gone pro as a field goal kicker, still holding many records now as all state, but his Father destroyed that success in some way I still don't understand. So to Texas he came.

We started taking trips, went to Mexico for our first adventure, that should have ended the relationship right there, horrid hotel, lots of fun on the beach though, parasailing, flight back was with two drunk pilots, engine trouble, and held under house arrest for whatever reason with the rest of the passengers, until we were lead back on the plane, I was willing to get on that plane just to get out of there.

We started living together soon after that and then married by a judge who was on his bathroom break during a trial, me in summer overalls and Jim in shorts, not into those elaborate events I guess. And then off to Colorado for a trip, already knew we were ready for a serious change in our lifestyle.

An odd day at the hospital, Jim woke up long enough to be introduced to a new doctor making rounds for our regular doctor, stuck his hand out to greet him and back to sleep. Okay, I think I'm going to let him lead me not this path, where ever it takes us now. I watch him sleep today and see tears running from his eyes, to really know him, his struggle is amazing.

I have all the information everyone has been sending me and apreciate it, we will see what this week brings.

My thoughts also to the people of Japan and their tragedy.




















Such good times, but when you are young, good times come so much easier it seems. A trip to Mexico, and other places.

FATE OR FAITH

I can not write much tonight without my heart being ripped out of my chest. Jim was sent to the ER from the rehab center unresponsive yesterday. He's there now, I've been there all day and after much thought and discussion with our doctor he is on comfort measures only. I've read that one has to suffer so to find peace and faith and strength in what awaits us on the other side. God does not grant every prayer.

And while all this is going on our doctor makes me have an X-ray because I've been limping, I'm fine, but no, my artificial hip has fractured part of my pelvis from the force of the crash, see the ortho surgeon, stay with Jim, use crutches, only a few pain meds, I've come to far to let Jim down, his suffering has to stop. I will do what I have to do until this chapter ends. I just want him to find his peace.

An afternooon

Spent the afternoon with Jim after receiving the final decision that there is not a facility here in Montana that can take care of his complicated case. So looking to Cleveland Clinic in Florida where there is a neurologist who specializes in stiff man and neurological trauma.

Now,how to get him there and work out all the details, air ambulance would be the best way for him, but the price would tke your breath away. But does it matter anymore.

This afternoon I knew this is what I will do when we laid on the floor on a matress since he has fallen so much, listening to old Beatle songs, eating peanut butter sandwiches and he said I think I'm dying and don't know what I'v done to deserve this. We never do, just what life has handed us to play out. From a book I'm reading, we're learning how to bend with life's trials but we are not ready to snap. When I'm home alone, my hands tremble from the stress, with him, I'm overwhelmed with calmness, I see what I must be and do for him, he doesn't see his own strengths. I'm overwhelmed when he can still make me laugh, wanting a brownie from Schwan's with ice cream, "don't tease me now", after saying I will bring one tomorrow. So hard to leave him. Now I wish I had spent more time with him, but life catches us off guard. From the same author, but another book, what would you say to your loved one if you were given just one more day together. How I wished he knew how much I loved him despite our own emotional pains. I told him that today, just in case.

Please

Please do not feel we are lost, I am just letting you know how a life style can be lost so easily. The insurance, the jobs, all are part of our recent American tragedy, I am not alone in what has happened, you are just reading how it has affected our lives. I have friends here who help, some come who I don't even know their name, just heard we needed help. And so it goes.

Another month

Another month with no progress for Jim, he has days where he becomes psychotic and days of nothingness. They try this med and that med and now it's time for me to bring him home with some help until I can find some real help for him. I can no longer let this part of his life go on with no chance of progress and his doctor agrees.

I have been told the clinic can no longer hold my job. I was stunned. Not enough medical leave accumulated since I had the back surgery. I fractured my SI joints, where the top of the hips touch the pelvis, so walking and sitting takes it's toll.

So, I think of where we stand, I pay out of pocket for insurance, not an option for long, go to Florida for help, Mayo, yet how can Jim travel, research a rehab facility nearby that takes his medicare. Will it be the same thing all over again.

I bought a car with the auto insurance money but can only drive short distances for now.
I spend mot of the day researching options.

The mornings are the worse, I wake up wondering why I'm not getting ready for work and then I remember.